Holes
by Cats070911
Summary: set after Know Thine Enemy. Tommy helps Barbara when she is feeling low after being fooled by Tania.


**Author's note:** The usual disclaimers about Elizabeth George and the BBC apply. Set after 'Know Thine Enemy'.

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><p>It was not the gruesome nature of the crime or the perpetrator's callous lack of conscience that disturbed Detective Inspector Tommy Lynley; it was the reaction of his Sergeant. Tania had fooled his normally streetwise partner and despite his reassurances she seemed to have lost faith in herself. As they walked to their cars Tommy looked across sympathetically at Havers. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself; you saved a life Barbara." He paused when he saw her tired, pained expression. He had been about to invite her for a drink but when he saw her face he knew she needed time alone. "Anyway they're both going down now – for good."<p>

"Alright Sir, just don't say 'I told you so'." She smiled at him half-heartedly then turned and walked away leaving him staring after her, unsure whether or not to follow. He unlocked his car as he watched her. She did not look back and so he drove home thinking that he would text her later to see how she was faring. He was tempted to go around to her flat but that was a bit too presumptuous.

Tommy found it hard to settle. He picked at his meal but had no appetite so he filled his ice bucket and retired to his lounge where he poured a triple whiskey on the rocks. He tried to watch the news but it only reinforced all society's ills and depressed him further. He flicked through all the channels twice but nothing took his fancy so he turned it off and threw the remote onto the table in disgust. He tried to read his novel but found by the end of the page he had forgotten what had happened at the top. He was clearly not focused. All he could think about was how Barbara had behaved. It was uncharacteristic and it worried him. He had watched her closely as they viewed the tapes. She had stared ahead, almost vacantly. He had wanted to comfort her in some way but had lacked the skills to say something useful that did not sound like a platitude. She had always known exactly how to help him and he regretted not at least trying. He picked up his phone to text her when his doorbell rang.

He padded barefoot along his hall. His footsteps echoed off the timbers reinforcing the emptiness of the house. He pulled open the door to find Barbara standing there, her hands shoved deep into the pockets of her brown coat and that annoying brown bag hanging down below her hips. She shifted nervously from foot to foot and was clearly embarrassed.

"Barbara!" he exclaimed. He waved the phone he was still holding at her. "I was just about to text you to see how you were."

She smiled quickly and tightly in acknowledgement. They stood looking at each other for several long seconds before she finally spoke. "Would it be okay if I came in for a bit?"

Her question jolted him back to reality. "Yes of course. I'm sorry. You just surprised me turning up like this." He stood back to let her pass.

"It's okay. Sorry, I shouldn't've just turned up." She turned to go.

"No, wait," he said, "come in. I'm glad you came over." He smiled at her, trying to make her feel welcome. He had not wanted to seem rude or uncaring and he was relieved she had come to him. At least now they could talk about the case, if she was ready, and how it had affected her. He suspected that was why she was here.

She stepped past him, her coat brushing against his shirt. The sensation startled Tommy and he thought that the case had got to him more than he had first suspected. It was the same feeling that had stopped him reaching out to her at the station. He often touched her by hugging her shoulder or something equally friendly to connect and let her know he valued her. He was puzzled why today he was reluctant to do it. He did not blame her, or think less of her for being taken in by Tania. There was no logic but he was almost scared to make physical contact. He shook his head to admonish himself. Barbara needed a friend and he would support her.

She wandered into his lounge room and stood awkwardly. "Make yourself at home. Here, let me take your bag and coat," he said holding out his hands so he could help her take it off. He disappeared back into the hall and hung them carefully on hooks on the hall stand. "What would you like to drink?" he asked as he came back into the room.

Barbara seemed distracted. She had perched herself at the very end of his couch as if she was trying to take up as little space as possible. "Something strong and sweet if you have it." She sounded tired and unusually frail, not a word Tommy would normally apply to her.

He felt helpless as he mixed her a drink. He handed it to her and topped up his whiskey. He sat beside her and held up his glass. "To the hope that one day mankind will learn how to love one another. Cheers!" Barbara frowned slightly but clinked her glass against his and took a sip.

"That's good. It's like sweet coffee with a kick."

"Black Russian, straight. One nip of Kahlua and another of vodka. I think it spoils it when they add cola or milk."

She looked at him and screwed up her nose which made Tommy smile before she looked down at her glass. She swirled the liquid and ice around as if she was studying the oily patterns as the ice melted into the more viscous alcohol. "Remember that night you came over to my place because you didn't want to be alone?" she asked softly.

Tommy remembered it well. He had been maudlin and depressed about the thought that Helen wanted a divorce and although he had intended to spend the night at Christine Miller's he had ended up on Barbara's doorstep. He had wanted to talk and she had been the only one he had wanted to talk to about it. "Yes. Your couch was quite..."

"Short?" Tommy could tell she was trying to make a joke of it.

"I was going to say comforting."

"Oh." She looked up at him briefly as if trying to understand what he was thinking. "Well, I was at my place driving myself mad and I wondered if you'd mind returning the favour. I don't fancy being alone tonight." Her voice quivered on the last sentence and he could see that had been hard for her to ask. She was suffering more than he thought. Again he wanted to put his arm around her and comfort her but he just could not bring himself to do it.

"Of course, but you don't have to stay here when there's a perfectly good bed upstairs." Barbara looked up and he could see the alarm in her eyes. "In the spare room," he added hastily, "it would be more comfortable than here."

He felt his face darken with embarrassment and hoped she realised he had not been making a pass at her. He would be more than happy to share a bed with her tonight, just as he would have had she offered that night at her flat, not for anything untoward, simply to share the experience of being held and comforted by someone who cares for you. Now he was shocked at himself. His thoughts were straying onto strange and dangerous ground. This case had affected them both.

"Thank you Sir." As he watched her gulp the last of her drink he got the impression she was thanking him for correcting any potential misunderstandings rather than for the offer of the bed instead of the couch.

"Another drink?" He had downed his whiskey a little bit too quickly but he sensed it might be a long night and that alcohol might just help them to relax.

"Ta, that's nice," she said passing him her glass.

When Tommy returned with the drinks Barbara had slipped off her shoes. She was sitting stiffly on the edge of the cushion. Tommy could sense she wanted to lift her feet under her on the sofa but would never do so uninvited. Tommy handed her the drink, a double this time, then sat further away and pulled his feet up in front of him. He nudged her arm with his foot. "Barbara, relax." She smiled and lifted her feet underneath her.

"I feel such a fool Sir."

He dropped his feet back over the side and moved to sit closer to her. "I understand, but you are anything but a fool Barbara."

"She played me but she never conned you. Thank you for not gloating Sir."

"I never would. Besides I've been on the other side too and needed you to keep me from being taken in by people. Why don't you ever call me Tommy?"

"What?"

"You called Fiona by her name after the first day but we've been together for nearly a decade and it's always Sir, even when we're telling each other our deepest fears and secrets. I'm your friend and I'd like you to call me by my name. Sir is so impersonal."

"But it is your name to me. I don't think I could call you anything else."

Suddenly hearing her say his name became irrationally important to Tommy. "Please? Just for tonight and if you can't get used to it we can go back to Sir tomorrow. Deal?"

Barbara looked scared and pressured and he felt guilty placing this on her when she was already stressed but he needed to hear it. He smiled and she sighed. "Okay...Tommy." It sounded awkward but it was also beautiful the way her accent emphasised the last syllable. He beamed at her. It was a smile he kept just for her when she said or did something that touched his heart. Barbara had a way of making him happy that no one else had ever mastered, she listened to his heart, not his words.

"Thank you. It means a lot to me, more than you think."

"Why?"

"Because it means you understand me and accept me for who I am, not what I am. Sir, Inspector and Lord are all labels and they imply that I'm somehow different to you. I don't want to be an object Barbara; I want to be someone you see as a genuine partner, someone who means something to you." He had not intended to be quite so frank but it was true. He wanted to feel she saw him as her friend and her equal not just her boss.

"You are!" Tommy could see tears welling in her eye. "I'm sorry Tommy, I never thought of it that way."

"That's fine Barbara, really. I know. I'm just being a bit precious. This case unsettled both of us." He reached out and put his hand on her cheek and gently wiped away her tears with his thumb. She put her hand over his and smiled at him. They were looking past their eyes right into each other's soul. It was an intensely intimate moment that made Tommy flush with heat. It lasted only seconds before they removed their hands and shifted their gaze but it was something he would remember forever. He wanted to reach out and embrace her but he resisted, fearing it was more for his sake than hers.

"Can I make you some dinner?" he asked trying to return to more normal conversation and do something practical.

"No thanks Tommy. I'm not hungry." Suddenly the awkwardness to his name was gone and again it made Tommy feel warm all over. He closed his eyes briefly to regain his equilibrium. He must have drunk more than he thought.

"Well we could watch TV, or talk or just sit here. Whatever you need."

Barbara smiled at him. She looked a little less tense as she leant against the back of the couch. "Do you ever doubt yourself? Wonder if you are still cut out for the job? Sometimes I think it has made me too hard and cynical seeing all the things we see people do to each other."

"I constantly doubt that I'm good enough Barbara. Sometimes I think we'll never solve something that must be so obvious. But most of the people we deal with are clever or very good at hiding the truth. We do an important job and not everyone can do it. We can and we're good at it, especially together because we see different things. You're not hard and cynical, just a bit battered and war weary. I've been where you are often enough to know you'll be okay. It just takes time and you can lean on me, you know that don't you?"

"Yeah, I do Si...Tommy. Thanks."

"It's about time I support you after years of you propping me up."

"Nah, it's not like that. Like you said, we're a good team."

"We are indeed."

She turned to him and sounded serious when she said, "I feel better being here, less, I don't know, isolated I guess."

"Isolation and loneliness are my speciality Barbara." She looked up at him questioningly.

"You've got me remember," she said.

"I know! Sometimes that's been the only thing that has kept me sane."

"Both of us."

He looked into her eyes and smiled. "I meant it literally. I'm not sure how to describe it. Everyone talks about being chased by black dogs but it's not like that for me. It's more like a series of holes that trap me. Anyway you're not here to listen to me."

Barbara tilted her head slightly and he could see the concern on her face. _How very like her to be worried about me when she is feeling bad!_ It was easy to be annoyed with her at times, to want to scream at her even but it was very hard not to love her.

"Tell me," she said kindly, "I'd like to understand."

Tommy was sorry he had raised the issue. He did not find talking about these things easy and he was supposed to be supporting her. She had often accused him of turning everything to be about him and she was right. He continued guiltily, "when my father was ill I found it hard to cope with the thought of what might happen and what it would mean for me. It was as if I was stumbling along in the dark and had fallen into a hole. I was scared and tucked myself up against the damp soil as tight as I could into the wall to feel safe. Then when I caught Trenarrow and Mother and the hole started to fill with water. I felt as if I was drowning. Then I got angry and swam to the top and climbed out of the hole but I had to avoid Howenstowe for years afterwards."

Barbara was staring at him intensely with both fascination and sympathy. "But it affected me. Every time something went wrong I was back in my hole. Most times it was quite small and I could step out but sometime it was bigger. Deborah never really understood and I suppose I was too busy idolising her to ever let her see I was inadequate but she worked that out all by herself. Helen helped with a lot of my issues. She was my friend and used to listen to me. It was like she extended her hand and helped me out of my hole. When Deborah broke off our relationship to be with Simon I was flailing around in my hole desperately looking for a way out. Helen had hold of my arm but couldn't lift me out. Do you know what did?"

She looked at him completely puzzled. "No."

"You. You came along and you believed in me. You hated me but you trusted me and fought for me."

"I never hated you. I hated what you stood for and who I thought you were. You weren't like that. I realised that pretty early on."

"I know," he said chuckling, "I still remember your speech in that barn."

Barbara looked down sheepishly. "I thought The Met needed you more than me."

"No, it doesn't. Anyway you didn't try to lift me, you calmed me and steadied me and taught me to just accept all the dirt being slung into my hole and how lift my feet above it and tread it into the bottom. If you keep doing that the hole fills in and you can step out of it. It was an important lesson."

"Really? How did I do that?"

"I saw what you did. Every time someone threw something at you, you refused to let it bury you. You moved it around and stood on it. I admire how you never let things beat you Barbara." She smiled at him and he knew this conversation was helping them both. "And more importantly when the pace was too much and I was too tired to tread the dirt down you were in the hole with me moving it away from my legs so that I could keep moving. When Helen and I married she stopped listening to me and became more of the problem than the solution but you stuck by me. That's why I couldn't let you resign. It might have been selfish because I needed you but I thought you needed The Met, or me, too. I was so relieved when you gave me the letter to throw in the fire. I knew you'd never leave me. When Helen died and everything was closing around my chest you kept shifting it so that I could breathe, just enough to survive and get my strength back to fight."

"That's not quite how I remember it, "Barbara replied bitterly, "you threw me out of your hole remember."

"I know and I'm sorry. I'm very thankful that you and Lafferty dug me out though. More grateful than you know."

"Well I couldn't let you go could I?"

"No, same as I won't let you go now. I'm in your hole with you Barbara. I'll shovel the dirt away until you are ready."

Barbara suddenly moved and placed her head on his chest and Tommy could feel her warm tears soak into his shirt and onto his skin. He put his arms around held and held her, resting his cheek on her head. She moved her arms and wrapped them around him, holding him as if she would never let him go. He felt as protected as he was protective. Barbara had a way of making him feel better but this was different. Holding her he felt whole.

His back ached when he woke. It was still dark outside and room was only dimly lit by the table lamp. Barbara was still tucked into his chest and he kissed the top of her head gently assuming she was asleep. "Thank you Tommy," she said and he jumped.

"Sorry, I thought you were asleep."

"Nah, I've been sitting here thinking."

"About?"

"How lucky I am to have you in my life."

"No, I'm the lucky one," he said.

As he looked into her eyes he saw something that gave him hope. There was a love that extended beyond being friends and he briefly wondered if it was only a reflection of his own emotions. Tommy understood now why he had been so hesitant at the station to touch her. He was worried he might move over their long held boundary and kiss her, something what he hoped might happen now. He moved closer stopping about a few inches from her face. He did not want to assume anything or act inappropriately. If she did not react he could simply slide his chin over her shoulder and embrace her as a friend.

He could feel her go tense and he was about to embrace her and apologise when she closed the gap, her lips stopping just short of their target. Tommy swallowed hard then kissed her. He lips were softer than he imagined and as she kissed him back the whole front of his body tingled in a way it never had before.

Tommy lost track of time as they kissed. Eventually they parted and he watched her as she snuggled into his arms. This time he observed her not as his friend but as a woman. He had tried hard to avoid that over the years, worried that it might be demeaning. She was not conventionally beautiful but when she smiled at him like she was doing now it lit up his whole world. He undeniably wanted to make love to her but it was not a physical imperative and certainly not something he would pursue tonight. Instead he wanted to feel the connection of their minds and their spirits by just holding her close.


End file.
